For hundreds of years across many cultures, garlic bulbs have been used to not only see off rabbits and moles but to also ward off demons, werewolves, and vampires; which suggests a bulb left on the front mat may also be effective in scaring off door-stopping Liberal Democrats come local by-elections. For vampires specifically, try rubbing garlic on keyholes and, if it’s not too dangerous and if you have someone to hold the bottom, climbing up a ladder and sticking some on top of your chimney. If that fails to keep them out then maybe try a little pish-pish of some Lynx ‘For Him’ body spray. If the garlic doesn’t do the trick, the nauseating fug of pubescent deodorant surely will.
Whilst garlic is typically more often associated these days in recipes the world over, you should also be aware that if you have, for whatever reason, some Buddhists round for supper, you’d be best leave it in the larder, for garlic, in many Buddhist traditions, is a strict no-no. The reason it’s a no-no, is that it is believed to stir sexual and aggressive tendencies and a state of souped up horniness is, as you might well imagine, not a good state to be in for a spot of quiet meditation. Cue, no garlic.
Buddhism is the world’s fourth largest religion. The biggest is Christianity, followed by Islam. Hinduism, thought by scholars to be the world’s oldest religion comes in third. And then Buddhism. That then, all adds up to a lot of Buddhists. The religion has its roots in Iron Age India, and follows the beliefs and spiritual practices based on the original teachings of Buddha. Like Elton John – who wasn’t born Elton John – Buddha wasn’t born Buddha. Buddha was born Siddhartha Gautama who grew up on the lush plains of what is now the Nepalese-Indian border sometime between the 6th and 4th century BC. What appeared to have got Gautama’s goat, was the innate suffering of humanity and its endless repetition due to re-birth. He would spend hours walking and thinking, and vexing over the shoddy lot of humankind and, much like our garlic-giddy Jamie Oliver, he set out to do something about it.
Taking instruction under religious heavyweights of the day, names such as Alara Kalama and Uddaka Ramaputta, Gautama got his head around ancient philosophies and woolly concepts such as nothingness. However he soon found the feeling of nothingness insufficient and so turned to the practice of asceticism, a lifestyle where all sensual pleasures are shunned and where frugality, itchy blankets and Ryvita, are the order of the day. This too, though, fell short and so next he turned to the practice of dhyana, or meditation, where he started to make some real progress and form ideas around the ‘Middle Way’ as a path to spiritual enlightenment.
The Middle Way, it seems, is characterised by the Noble Eightfold path, and threads an idea between the extremes of sensual indulgence and the grisly existence of self-mortification. Gautama’s ideas quickly caught fire, and he soon had a following who would then propagate his ideas by sitting prominently in village squares, eyes closed, breathing deeply. They looked in no rush. Which they weren’t. It is perhaps no surprise that a spot of quiet mediation after lunch was an idea that spread quicker than an Australian bush fire.
There are four truths that appear to shape the basic orientation of Buddhism. There is dukkha – a thought that in enduring life in this bleak and mundane world in which we live in, we all crave and cling to 1) impermanent states of being, such as happiness; or 2) things, such as Wills & Kate commemorative plates. By clinging to dukkha we are stuck in the endless cycle of samsara or rebirth. Karma drives this cycle of suffering and rebirth. One central aspect of karma, is that intent matters. Good and bad karma accumulates even if there is no physical action on the part of the idle lacky. Good and bad thoughts also matter, and plant karmic seeds that later find time to flower with, often ominous, repercussions. In order to escape the kleshas that grip day-to-day living – mental states such as anxiety, fear, anger and depression that leave us all staring at our Instagram feeds with tears rolling down our cheeks – aspiring Buddhists need to attain nirvana. Nirvana is basically the end game. Now nirvana – the literal translation of which means ‘blown out’ as in: ‘you’ll never guess what Trev, but I got in last night and my gas lamp was blown out” – is all about the ultimate state of soteriological release and liberation from the relentless treadmill of rebirth that is samsara. Other Buddhist texts go on to describe nirvana as being a complete state of liberation, enlightenment, the highest happiness, bliss, freedom and a realisation of non-self. Think Gooch scoring 333 against India at Lords, or Gruffydd Wyn Roberts nailing Nelle Tue Mani in the semi-finals of BGT. Heaven.
By now I expect you are standing, possibly sweating, and muttering about how you might attain this state called nirvana. Well, there’s quite a list to get through. Firstly, you need to get your head around the fact that that there is an afterlife and not everything ends with death. You’ll also probably need to give up your home, sell the car and tell the kids: no more Mark Warner. Don’t lie. Don’t be rude or gossip. Don’t steal. Turn down any invitations to shoot grouse and, should you still have the energy to stick it on a good length, no more sexy-time with whoever you like to sexy-time with. And don’t stop there. No more sexy thoughts either, none at all, and whilst we’re on the subject, no more unwholesome thoughts that will distract you from your meditation. It’s basically all change. Some Buddhist traditions go further and squint and mutter at the fashion of eating solid foods before mid-day, wearing perfume, sleeping on high beds, dancing and accepting money. Basically the strap line is that you will need to keep it all pretty tight. And, it goes without saying, no more drinking on a school night.
Whilst Gautama is seen as the primary figure in Buddhism, there is no definitive agreement on when he died. Nor for that matter when he was born. His teachings and monastic rules were memorised by his followers and passed down through generations by oral tradition, only making it to paper some four hundred years later. It is no surprise then, that there are different schools of Buddhist tradition. Indeed in Vaishnava Hinduism, the historic Buddha is believed to be the most recent avatar of the Hindu god Vishnu, a god who happens to be identical to the formless metaphysical concept of Brahman – the ultimate reality in the universe. That said, all types of Buddhism share the goal of overcoming the relentless slog of microwave dinners and the cycle of rebirth by getting behind the ropes and into nirvana.
All in all, a rather tempting proposition sitting idle on a siding near Basingstoke.
Hepburnsays 